Mo'Nique is NOT Precious: 82nd Academy Awards Can Suck It

Thanks to Google image search and the use of animated thumbnails to preview movie clips on free porn sites, I've accidentally seen enough gay porn to know that I don't want to intentionally see any gay porn. That being said; I will not watch "Broke Back Mountain".

"Broke Back Mountain" is one movie high atop my Do NOT Watch List. As far as I can tell, "Broke Back Mountain" is a chick flick about two gay cowboys. They're not even 'gun-fight-at-noon' cowboys.  I'm guessing if there's any violence in the movie it takes place after they drop trousers and start administering hands free prostate exams. So if I'm channel surfing and see as much as two cowboys hug each other, I'm pushing the TV out a window.

Recently I've found a friend to keep "Broke Back" company on my Do NOT Watch List. It's a disturbing movie with a long name called "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire".

Based on the lead actress, I thought it was about talking hamburger people or the Bizarro, female Biggie Smalls.

Baby, baby! Ugh!

The premise is far more disturbing.

In 1987, obese, illiterate, black 16-year-old Claireece Precious Jones (Gabourey Sidibe) lives in Harlem with her dysfunctional mother, Mary (Mo'Nique). She has been impregnated twice by her father, Carl, and suffers long term physical, mental and sexual abuse from her unemployed mother. The family resides in a Section 8tenement and subsists on welfare. Her first child, known only as "Mongo" (short for "Mongoloid"), has Down syndrome and is being cared for by Precious's grandmother.

It hurts just reading that, like someone vomited glass shards into my skull. I can already guess how this shit ends. Bad. Unless Frodo and Gandalf  appear, I don't see how the fuck that movie can turn out anyway good. I think in the sequel they drown and kick puppies and baby penguins to death and then make their corpses fill out tax forms.

But this isn't the main reason why I won't watch it. Though the depression factor is insanely large, it can not be held solely responsible.

Blame it on Mo'Nique.

 I can't stand her and her 'big is beautiful' attitude.  I wish she would lock herself in a Hostess factory and leave my eyes alone. I'm so AGAINST people believing they're beautiful when they're not. I wish we lived in a more shallow world we're people actually would strive to look beautiful instead of rationalizing it with 'self-esteem' and desperate men that would fuck anything with three warm holes.

And now she won an Oscar. So she's gonna feel better about herself. Which means she's gonna speak and be seen more. Both of which make me want to slam my dick in a car door.

MY Oscar speech:

"I would like to say the academy, for making fat douches like Mo'Nique feel special, you deserve to get infected by something embarrassing. And to the rest of you slimmer douches, I hope you all develop drug habits. Congratulations on having a platform where you are deemed important and can virtually masturbate in front of millions of viewers for working a dream job. P.S. Go fuck yourselves."

Sorry J-Woww

Hey, J-Woww, baby. I see you crying and I feel horrible for it. But look at me. I'm crying too. And it's not just because you broke my nose and knocked out a couple of my teeth. Oh well, yeah it is but I genuinely DO feel bad.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it to (insert bar name here) to see you. I really wanted to go. I was going to show up four hours early so I had a chance of making it in the door and  paying the jacked up cover charge to see you but things just didn't work out that way.

I know you traveled this far because you wanted to be seen with me in public.  You wanted the world to know that even though you have the manners of  an eastern European convict, that their was someone out their that thought you were special and wasn't afraid of being within punching distance of you.

Know that you are special, baby.  You punch like a heavyweight kickboxer and have a chest that defies gravity. I've never had to defend myself while struggling to avoiding a boner induced coma.  You were my first time. And second, third and so on. You popped my cherry and possibly one of my blood vessels.

Hey, so maybe we won't be together but you'll be alright. You're really talented (have big boobs) so I'm sure you'll find another guy who loves you for who you are (can take a punch).

I'd really wish you'd stop hitting me, though. You punch like a man J-Woww. You got your point across when you hammerfisted my eye socket into pretzel dust. This is why I was a bit reluctant to come out and see you. Because of shit like this. And because you're crazy. And because of shit like this.

Oops. Kinda repeated myself. Guess the concusion is kicking in.

It was fun when you used to ditch the camera crew and sneak off the set of the Jersey Shore to come visit me. You were cooler then. I guess by that time at night you were all danced and punched out.

Figure now is as good of a time as any to let you know that I'm NOT a millionaire. What we did was fun (because you weren't being violent) but don't expect any free plastic surgery or tanning products like I promised.

So, darling, please let me out of this headlock. Even though what's left of my cheekbone is pressed against your boobs... on second thought.... You can keep hitting me.

John Travolta Creeps Me Out

That movie "From Paris with Love" has John Travolta playing some badass super agent, operative guy. I won't be watching this movie because I think the casting of John Travolta as a tough guy is five shades of stupid.

Having John Travolta go bald and rock a goatee doesn't convince me that he's well versed in hand to hand combat and capable of  wrecking shit.  Instead John appears to be a angry metro-sexual. If angered, I wouldn't fear that he would physically assault me. I'd be concerned that he'd try to sexually assualt me.

I say "try" because it would impossible for him. Just look at his head. He's not sneaking up on me or anyone with a dome that big. And he wouldn't be able to use his Scientology mind tricks to fool me into a sexual encounter with him. I know he was trying in that movie "Hairspray" but I saw right through that.

This movie is a lame attempt to make John Travolta cool and masculine again.  Even if he starred in a movie called "Raw Meat  Eating, Shark Strangling, Playmate Threesome Fucker" I think his work in drag has buried any notion of  him being a badass.

Don't say "retard"?

The world is getting softer and softer everyday.  People are getting upset with the use of the word retard and want to ban it.  End the Word  Why? It's such a beautiful word!  Why are people taking offense to this? Let's go ahead and band the word jackass as well, cuz we wouldn't want to offend any jackasses out there.

I understand that people have mentally challenged family members or friends, but that doesn't mean we should try and eliminate the word retard... unless you want to make it stronger!  Let's make the word super taboo so when someone DOES use it, it's ten times more effect.

In fact if you want to make a word obsolete, it's best to get middle aged women to use it up and send it to the grave like 'bling' and other once popular 'hip-hop' phrases.  It's only a matter of time until 'pimpin' is pulled off life support. Once Oprah and her book club start calling each other retarded you can start making funeral arrangements for the 'R' word.

Sarah Palin's gone on to say that the word 'retard' is as bad as the 'N' word. I think not. Unlike a racial slur, 'retard' can be used to describe ANYONE. That's the beauty of the word. It's not just used to described 'slow' people but becomes a perfect way to insult your friends in public.  It doesn't even have to refer to a person. It can describe an appliance, an article of clothing or system of belief. There's so many uses of the word that it's sexy.

People are getting their panties up in a bunch for the wrong reason. To my understanding, if someone is actually upset that they've been called retarded, then maybe they're not really retarded. I'm more upset thinking that they're are people out there, faking their way through life, eating pudding, wearing bicycle helmets and getting away with acting like assholes in public because we think they are 'handicapped'.

I call bullshit!

Instead of trying to ban the word, let's instate programs that teach people to have a sense of humor. I understand the word is hurtful. THAT'S WHY I USE IT. It's wouldn't be fun calling someone a fucking slo-mo thinker or dumb-dumb brain. That's retarded.

Now would I ever have this argument with a mentally handicapped person face to face? Of course not! Retar... um, the mentally handicapped are insanely strong. Why would I want to piss one off if they are within grabbing distance of me?  I like having my arms and legs attached to my body, thank you very much.

Sleeping At Work

I wrote another article for Cracked.com about a subject that I hold dear to my heart.

Sleeping at Work

If you like it then tell you friends. Or stop snitching and keep it to yourself.  Then again, do whatever you want! It's not like you're gonna listen to me anyway. Cuz if you DID I would suggest that you contribute to my "Robots Fight Dirty from Home" early retirement fund. This work business is for suckers.

More blog posts like this!

Drunk Girl Bowling

Supermarket Stalking

Never Bet on Glen